I'm angry all the time. I've been feeling irritated about everything! When I try to talk to mom i feel like I'm never truly understood. I don't know if I complicate things or if I miss being mentally stimulated in a conversation. Every topic seems shallow and pointless. I know it's not her fault. I'm not being patient with her. I try sometimes. But gossip is not my thing. She doesn't understand my concerns and how upset I am about how Brazil is handling the pandemic, politics and everything else. It's pure chaos. I can't analyze anything a little deeper and share what I think. I'm being so angry all the time that I fantasize about breaking everything up. I wish I could break and snap, so I could get all this rage out. I'm dying slowly and I all I want is to die really really fast. Where ARE MY FUCKING MEDS?
The last thing I remember was taking the third med. After that, flashes of memories are blurred. Rayana helping me to walk, my mom waking up pushing towards the bed. I don't know what happened, but later I saw I've taken 10 zolpidem pills. It makes me feel bad because I need to explain my dad why I'm running out of meds so soon. And again, here I am, ALIVE. GODFUCKINGDAMNED maybe with some alcohol it works. How can I drink some alcohol here????? I need a better plan. The opioid was weak, 10 pills only, I could even try to OD over it. It has to be zolpidem, alprazolam and alcohol. And It wILL FUCKING BE!